It was closing in on 4 a.m., and I was sitting on my bed with my study table propped in front of me, laptop on top, hunched uncomfortably, scrolling on my phone. I was somehow so paralyzed in my current physical and mental state that I couldn’t even lean back against the pillow and continue scrolling—despite an aching neck and wrist.

The paralysis loop

It was all too much for me, in that very low-key, not-bothering-me-so-much-yet-bothering-me-just-enough-to-render-me-useless kind of way. I was trying to work on my bed instead of my desk. Every time I looked at my screen, I saw the 34 tabs open—tabs I simply couldn’t close because I needed to read those articles and apply to those jobs. My greasy hair kept falling in front of my face. I was procrastinating, flipping from one social media app to another, my attention span absolutely fucked, despite the late hour. Every time I lifted my eyes, I saw the mess in my room. And I was stressed about work and finances.

Yet all I could do was scroll, scroll, scroll—or watch one YouTube video after another, as if I were a machine stuck on the time-waste setting.

My paralyzed inaction, the way I kept rotting my brain by consuming more and more content, was not helping at all.

I could feel the anxiety inside me, and I knew I was making it worse by doing nothing.

To say the least, I was overwhelmed.

Clutter, FOMO, and too many tabs

I think my problem was giving importance to too many things. I felt I would miss out on some holy knowledge if I didn’t read one of those articles, or lose the opportunity of my life if I didn’t apply to that job—even though that tab had been open for weeks and I was already too late. A string of clothes hung on my door, right in my line of sight, and I couldn’t decide whether to put them in the wash or if it was possible to repeat them. A pile of books was stacked on my bed—books I knew I wasn’t going to read today or even this week.

It’s like clutter follows me. I’m incapable of minimizing what I need to do or consume because I have too much FOMO and give importance to too many things. And what does that leave me with? Anxiety, inaction, procrastination, and fatigue.

A lifelong habit of juggling

For me, it goes way back. In school, I started blogging during my board exams. In college, I was studying, participating in clubs and societies, working on the school magazine, freelancing, and badly learning French. I started weekend classes for Korean literally the same month I began my first office job. Now that I’ve quit, I’m juggling a couple of things again. Please don’t mistake this for bragging—because it isn’t. I can handle multiple things at a time, but I’m not good at it. I’m absolutely monogamous when it comes to relationships, but when it comes to work, interests, and creative needs, I’m as poly as they come (and maybe a little commitment-phobic).

Capitalism, content, and never being satisfied

I know it’s not fully my fault. Social media, with its addictive short-form content, has rewired our brains so we never feel satisfied. But not everyone is like this. I see people around me with a job, a group of loving friends and family, a stable income—and that’s it. They seem content. They seem stable. So why am I this way? Have I watched too many millionaire-bro podcasts? Am I greedy or just inherently unsatisfied?

I know I’m making huge generalizations, but bear with me because I honestly feel stuck. I despise capitalism and social media for wiring my brain this way, but I also don’t hate what it has made me. I can’t lie and say I want to live a simple life and give up materialism. I want money. I want good experiences. I want the satisfaction and validation that comes from creating art. I want to use capitalism for my own good. It’s like capitalism is an MNC I’m working at—one I’ll bitch about during lunch but still work on weekends for that promotion.

And Instagram, YouTube, Netflix? I’m in a toxic, addictive relationship with them. I want to create content for Instagram, learn about finance and productivity on YouTube, and watch great movies on Netflix. But I feel unable to do that without also becoming their slave. I know the solution is balance, but it’s just so freaking hard.

Trying to find balance

I swear, I do touch grass from time to time. But when your occupation and hobbies require you to stay connected to a screen for most of the day, it’s hard to separate things.

This is a weird world we live in, and sometimes it really does feel like it’s working against us.

For now, I’ll minimize the window with my 34 tabs, straighten my back and tie my hair up, get up, and clean my room.

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If your attention span is as bad as mine, cry with me in the comments below and let me know if you have any advice?